I struggle. For instance I just wrote sturggle before I wrote struggle and thought to meself how apt, self. You heard me ... apt. What do I sturggle with? (Egads, I did it again! And not on purpose. The irony is killing me.) In particular I struggle with not knowing what I want. Or articulating what it is I want without adding "it's no big deal". I compare my needs with those of millions who suffer more than I. It's many things. I don't know what to do with what I want once I know it. I don't want to be disappointed by not getting what I want once I've wanted it. Eep. All of this has been slowly changing in me - like snails and molasses. Don't get me wrong. That's the perfect speed for me. I've found that God is gentle. It's I who is the harsh critic - ever demanding instant perfection.I'm learning:
- not to send myself in a corner when I make mistakes
- not to wait until I "feel right" to talk with God
- not to act surprised when I'm miserable and self-centered
- it isn't a race
- to be kind and patient with my shortcomings
- I matter more than I can imagine.
It sucks. It's grand. It's good.
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9 Comments:
I think sturggle is a much better word anyway! I am schmeeblewhipful for you my dear friend.
lyrehC
Yep, Life is a big maze. Sometimes you run around in it in circles, completely lost. Other times, you find pleasant surprises round some corners, like a picnic basket and you sit down there for some time to eat the tasty delights, forgetting you were running around the maze. This is one of the few thoughts going through my mind recently.
Sorry, I am kinda away. Blame blogger. It ate a draft.
Love the 'shone upon' fruits in a bowl.
Sucks you've been tired. But spring and summer are not too far away now, are they?
As for God, tomorrow I am going to a special place. I'll pray for all of us. Talena should have atleast heard of the place, if she hasn't visited it herself already ;) Think Ganges.
I have always admired how you think so deeply about things. I realize this can cause some turmoil in ones life, but I too admire your depth as a person and your raw self.
"Struggle" ... isn't that just how it is?! We are all such a mystery sometimes and it is so dificult to fugure our own selves out. Thank goodness for a God that is so patient with us and gentle. I love how you long for God to continue to teach you about yourself, about Him and about His love for you.
lyrehC - yes, sturggle does kinda say it all, doesn't it? I love you, too dear beak. :)
Wow, Akkie! You're going to the Ganges. You'll have to blog it for sure. Did you take pictures?
Life is definitely a journey, true. I like your idea of finding a picnic basket in the middle of it all. Not only is a picnic a delight but it's sustenance to continue on. Thank God for friends to travel with. There are those we travel with for life and those that join us for just a part. It's good ... and although spring is around the corner for most I must say, sweet Ace, that it still feels like a long way off for me. This northern land is dominated by winter - much like the land of Narnia. Have you ever read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis? So long for now, friend. You have a big heart. ♡
Shari - it is so amazing to be loved by a friend through the many years. If I said we've been friends for almost 25 years it's a little frightening, isn't it. AAAAHH! Age is upon us. What can ya do. Thanks for being the kind of friend that I can be real and raw with. I have cherished that through the years. Oh my ... it sounds like I'm an old grandma the way I'm talking! xo, Shari.
Colleen! There are pictures! Go! Go! Go! Check 'em out!
I read all the Narnia books in High School a long time ago!And I loooved them. So I was filled with delight when I found out that movie coming out! And I think they did a magnificent job with the movie too!
Thanks Colleen. "Same goes, big nose." :)
I like the word "Eep". Especially the way you use it in the middle of a pretty deep thought!!
Bunsen
Bunsen - Eep is a word that describe the ever-decreasing circles I oft find myself in when my thoughts corkscrew in my head. It also expresses general aghast-ness (um) at myself. Therefore eep is used often and with affection. It's better than swearing at me so I like it and I'm glad you do, too. :)
Okay, now I'm just mad. At first I just THOUGHT I commented, and didn't, and then Blogger ate my second comment that I KNOW I left. So maybe I left the first one too! Anyway, I don't even remember what I said. It was very clever and touching and like golden apples in a bowl, but I guess we'll never know now, will we? Not at all like this comment. Grrr.
Grrr back. I feel your pain, T. I'm growling at Blogger for eating your clever, touching words.
And as a bonus I also just audibly said patooie to Blogger in a contemptuous manner with no remorse whatsoever.
any questions?
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